7 signs you’re too hard on yourself

Summary

You could be killing it - hitting goals, getting promoted, doing the damn thing - and still feel like garbage. The critical voice in your head has been narrating your life like you're failing a pop quiz nobody else can see. This post is about the everyday signs you might be too hard on yourself, why self-criticism isn't the motivation tool you think it is, and what to do about it so you can actually enjoy the wins you've worked for.

Key Points

• The difference between being hard on yourself and having high standards is whether the critical voice is helping you grow or just making you feel bad while you grow.

• Successful people make plenty of mistakes. They just refuse to turn every one into a character trial.

• If rest feels like something you have to earn, you're treating yourself like an employee who's perpetually on probation.

• Your brain runs two very different scripts for other people's mistakes versus your own. The commentary track is worth noticing.

• The critical voice is making your life feel like a pop quiz you're always failing. Meanwhile, your actual work has been the same all along.

Calling all imposters, failures, underachievers, procrastinators, and people who die a little death when someone references their “potential.” You’ll want to read this one.

Here’s a straight fact: I work with high-achievers who feel like anything but. In fact, I stopped using that term, “high achiever” in my content when I realized my people would see it and think, “That’s not me. She’s talking about someone else. I am chronically NOT achieving the things I want, so there!”

Here’s a straight fact: You’re going to have a hell of a time enjoying your life when you’re constantly hitting yourself over the head with a psychological stick called self-judgment and shame.

You could be kicking ass and taking names, but if you’re telling yourself it’s never good enough, you’re going to feel like butt.

So are you too hard on yourself?

Here are 7 signs you’re too damn hard on yourself (and you should probably cut yourself some slack).

1. You relive every little mistake

So you made a mistake. You dropped the ball. You missed the deadline. You said that weird thing in the conversation and you’re pretty sure everyone hates you now. Your life is a series of cringe-face emojis.

Mistakes rarely feel good (do they ever?).

But if you’re walking around, replaying those mistakes over and over in your head, your life is going to feel like a series of giant F-Ups. And you’ll start to believe that you are just a Giant Pile of Suck who fails all the time and any success is just a fluke.

Most successful people are out here making make more mistakes than you do. They just don't torture themselves over it.

Instead of using them as a self-flagellation tool, they use them for data-collection so they can do better next time.

Listen, mistakes are inevitable. Regret is optional.

Make mistakes. Learn from them. Correct them where you can. And move on.

2. You only get to rest or have fun after you’ve done everything else

Hey you! There on your phone, reading this article! Quick question (and be honest): How guilty do you feel right now that you’re reading a blog post when there are things still on your to-do list?

Listen, I get it. The only time I would ever truly rest was when I was sick. Not so sick that I was in misery, but sick enough that I could lay in bed all day and binge-watch Netflix without feeling guilty about it.

If rest feels like a reward you have to earn by getting everything done, you’re not just withholding rest from yourself. You’re withholding fun and pleasure. ‘Cause let’s be honest: Is your to-do list ever really done? Probably not.

3. It’s totally normal and okay when others make mistakes but shameful and horrible when it’s you

We all do stupid things. I have walked into men’s bathrooms. I’ve complained about conference calls when I was unmuted (oops!). I’ve double-booked and missed appointments. I’ve eaten too much food and had to put on sweatpants to make room for the bloat.

Mistakes happen. You know that. But what’s the commentary in your head when people make mistakes versus when you make them?

If someone else makes a mistake, do you cut them slack? Is it no big deal? Is it just part of life and life goes on, ob-la-di, ob-la-dah?

But if YOU make a mistake, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?

If this is you, it’s a sign that somewhere along the way, your self-worth probably got tangled up with your performance.

Mistakes are an invitation to love yourself more deeply. Because when you love yourself, you can learn from your mistakes and grow. If you wouldn’t say it to a loved one, don’t say it to yourself.

4. You constantly feel like you’re “behind” or failing

Pop quiz! Which of the following conditions constitute success (I’m talking the take-a-victory-lap-and-then-hang-that-shit-on-your-fridge success):

• Getting everything on your to-do list done

• Doing something perfectly

• Getting a “nice job!” from your boss, spouse, or some rando on the internet

Cool! Now how about these:

• Getting some of the stuff on your to-do list done

• Still having 100 unread messages in your email box after you respond to all the critical items that need your attention

• Working out 2 times this week, instead of 4 like you said you would

• Putting off that project until the last minute and still pulling it off

When perfection is your sole metric of success, you’ll always feel like you come up short. You will constantly feel like it’s “not enough” and then YOU will feel like “not enough.”

Focus on how far you’ve come, not how far you have to go.

5. You have a hard time making decisions

If you struggle with decision-making, I’m going to guess you were a really good student back in the day. School trained you to do a few things:

• Believe there’s always a “right” answer that will get you the A-grade

• Believe the “right” answer is out there somewhere in a text book, teacher’s brain, or research paper — you just have to look in the right place

• Believe that failing is BAD. Like, really bad.

Too bad life doesn’t work like school. And when you’re faced with a decision, there aren’t actually any “right answers.” So life choices feel super confusing. (This is why I wrote a whole post on how to make decisions)

But the pressure to make the “right” choice is so high (because you’re so stinkin’ mean to yourself when things don’t work out) that you totally freeze up. And you often choose to stay right where you are — even if where you are kind of sucks.

6. You’re chronically stressed

Life is stressful, yo. That dude cut you off in traffic. Your kid gets sick. You drive over a nail and get a flat tire. Your dog pukes on the couch. You forgot to RSVP to that birthday party. You’re pretty sure you have something stuck in your teeth.

But one of the biggest sources of chronic stress is constant negative self-talk.

Imagine walking around with Regina George constantly looking over your shoulder, judging every little thing you do, saying, “God Karen, you are so stupid.”

You can slow down and let that bad driver be a menace elsewhere, but no matter what — you’re kind of stuck with yourself and your thoughts.

So if you’re not balancing self-judgment with self-compassion, you’re going to feel like you’re always under attack.

7. You feel the need to always go above-and-beyond

There’s nothing wrong with going the extra mile. But if you find you always have to give 110%, what’s up with that?

If you just love to help and get shit done and be amazing because it’s fun — cool. You can stop reading here.

But if you feel like you have to prove that you’re amazing yourself to everyone and yourself and if you don’t, then maybe everyone will find out you’re a big, fat phony — then you’re probably too hard on yourself.

Trying to feel “good enough” by going above-and-beyond is like looking for your sunglasses when they’re on your head. You’ll never find them because you’ve had them the whole time.

Stop trying to prove or earn your enoughness and accept you are worthy — just as you are in this moment.

It’s cool to strive for greatness. But do it knowing that you’re already great, just as you are.

Beating yourself up is keeping you stuck

Here are them facts:

• It’s really hard to feel successful when you focus on what could’ve been better.

• It’s really hard to go after what you want when you’re terrified to make a mistake.

• And it’s REALLY hard to feel happy when you’re being a dick to yourself.

Put away the beating yourself up motivational tool. It doesn’t work. Instead, let’s use some forgiveness, understanding, and compassion. Seriously — I want you to love yourself so damn hard that it’s embarrassing.

Love your faults. Love your awkwardness. Love it all.

Because life is a messy, wild, frustrating, exhilarating, beautiful ride. And you will fall. You will rise. You will cry until snot comes out your nose.

So cut yourself some slack and enjoy the ride.

This you?

• You know deep down you're capable of more but mostly feel disappointed with yourself

• You look successful on the outside but still feel unfulfilled

• You're great at the job but somehow always feel behind

I get it. I felt trapped in mediocrity and self-doubt for years. And I did it all while racking up accomplishments that should've felt like something.

The critical voice in your head is making everything you accomplish feel like nothing. Meanwhile, your work and your capability are the same as they ever were.

That's the work I do with clients. We turn down the self-judgment, rebuild the trust between you and yourself, and get you operating at the level you're actually capable of (without the self-flogging that nobody even asked for).

Keep Reading: Other posts you might need

• How to Stop Caring What Other People Think - Because the internal critic and the external validation chase are usually two sides of the same coin.

• How to finally feel "good enough" - When self-compassion still feels like a foreign language.

• Feel like a fraud? Why imposter syndrome means you're doing something right - The sneakier cousin of being hard on yourself.

• How to make good decisions when you don't know what to do - If the fear of picking "wrong" keeps you stuck.

FAQs About Being Too Hard on Yourself

Q: Why am I so hard on myself? 
A: Usually a mix of things. Somewhere along the way you learned that your worth was tied to your performance, so the internal critic became the thing that was supposed to keep you safe. It feels like motivation, but underneath, it's mostly fear in better packaging.

Q: Is there a difference between high standards and being too hard on yourself? 
A: Yes, and it matters. High standards pull you toward things you actually want. Being too hard on yourself punishes you for falling short of an impossible version of yourself. Standards help you grow. Self-criticism just makes growing a miserable experience.

Q: Does being hard on myself actually motivate me? 
A: Short-term, sometimes. Long-term, almost never. The research is pretty clear: self-compassion leads to better outcomes than self-criticism in almost every measurable category - - motivation, resilience, performance, actual goal achievement. Beating yourself up works the way white-knuckling works. You can do it for a while. It will wear you down.

Q: How do I stop being so hard on myself? 
A: Start by noticing the voice in your head without trying to shut it down. When you catch yourself being brutal, pause and ask what you'd say to a friend in the same situation. Then say that to yourself instead. It feels stupid at first. Do it anyway.

Q: Why do I cut everyone else slack but not myself? 
A: Because somewhere along the way, your brain decided you were different. Special rules for you. Usually tracks back to messaging you got early on about what made you valuable (being good, being smart, being high-achieving), and the belief that if you dropped the performance, the love would drop with it. Worth untangling.

Q: Is being hard on yourself a form of perfectionism? 
A: Often, yes. Perfectionism is the production side of it. Self-criticism is the enforcement arm. If you've built a life around getting things "right," the critical voice is the mechanism that makes sure you never feel off the hook when you don't.

Hi! I’m Erica

Licensed psychotherapist. Corporate dropout. Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.

I know exactly what it’s like to have a life that looks successful on the outside but feel chronically exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost on the inside.

I help underachieving high-achievers create lives and careers they love, without burning out.

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