Summary
Self-sabotage is any action (or inaction) that blocks you from your own goals - like procrastinating, overthinking, picking fights, or changing plans right when things start working. High achievers often self-sabotage because their nervous system reads growth, visibility, or new levels of success as a threat and tries to pull them back to what feels familiar. You can break the pattern by noticing it, getting curious about what it’s protecting you from, and helping your system feel safe at the next level.
The short version (for all my skimmers)
Self-sabotage is anything you do (or don’t do) that blocks you from your goals
It often looks like avoidance, overthinking, overworking, or backing off right before a big opportunity
High achievers self-sabotage because their brains read change, even good change, as danger
It’s common to self-sabotage when things are going well, because success can push you past what feels safe
ADHD, burnout, and depression can look a lot like self-sabotage, and they need different fixes
You can stop the pattern by noticing it, getting curious, and calming your nervous system before pushing forward
As a licensed therapist and executive coach I’ve seen it over and over:
You set a goal. You even take action on that goal. You’re even chugging along, making all kind of progress.
And then KA-POW!!! You do something to eff it all up.
Cue the shame spiral:
“Ugh, why do I keep getting in my own way?”
“Maybe I’m just lazy.”
“Maybe I don’t actually want it enough.”
And if you’re a high achiever, this one stings extra.
After all, you’re the person who gets things done. You solve everyone else’s problems before lunch. So why can’t you get out of your own way on the stuff that matters most to you?
Let’s talk about this whole self-sabotage thing, mmkay?
What is self-sabotage?
In plain English, the meaning of self-sabotage is anything you do (or don’t do) that blocks you from your own goals.
It usually falls into two buckets:
Doing something that gets in your way, like overworking, overcommitting, or eating an entire package of oreos
Not doing something you know would help, like procrastinating, avoiding, or ghosting your own plan
If you’re a high achiever, you’re probably great at getting stuff done for other people. Your boss gets the report a day early. You make sure your family is fed and the toilet paper rolls are always full.
But while you’re kicking ass for everyone else, your own goals sit on the back burner for yearssss.
As one person put it when they reached out to me: “I keep coaching everyone else but I can’t figure out my own next step. I already know the answer. I just can’t seem to move.”
And it rarely feels like sabotage while you’re doing it. Most of the time, it just feels like being responsible…and stuck.
10 common self-sabotaging habits in high achievers
Some self-sabotaging habits are pretty obvious. Others look so responsible, you’d never think to call them sabotage.
Overworking on the wrong stuff. You stay busy with less important tasks, so there’s conveniently no time left for the big, scary one.
Procrastinating on the one thing that matters. You’ll answer 47 emails and your fridge has never been cleaner but that important thing is collecting dust.
Perfect planning. You create a perfect plan to do all the things...perfectly. And the plan is so big and perfect, you either never start or you quit as soon as it stops being perfect.
Endless researching and reassessing. “Let me look into this.” A year later, you’re still thinking things through and nothing has moved.
Talking yourself out of ideas. You come up with all the reasons your idea won’t work and spend zero time figuring out how to make it work.
People-pleasing. You keep everyone happy, even when it costs you the thing you actually want.
Comparing yourself to others. Someone posts a promotion on LinkedIn, and suddenly all your goals feel totally pointless.
Ghosting your own plan. You fall behind, feel guilty, and avoid it even harder because now it’s been so long.
Picking fights. With your partner, your boss, or yourself. Conflict is a great distraction from the thing that scares you.
Quitting right before it works. You hit a plateau, decide it’s not working, and bail or change strategies right before the payoff.
Why “self-sabotage” is the wrong term (and kind of mean, honestly)
I secretly hate the term “self-sabotage.” It totally sucks.
The word “sabotage” implies you’re doing this on purpose. Like you woke up and thought, “You know what sounds fun today? Ruining my goals!”
Nope.
Your brain has a comfort zone. A set point it wants to maintain, because it likes to keep everything the same.
And your comfort zone is created by:
Knowing exactly what to expect, even if it bores you to death or you hate it (hello, job you hate but you’re still here)
Your identity matching your level of success (or failure)
So when you start growing and accomplishing new things, things are going to get uncomfy.
And then your nervous system freaks out and tries to drag you back to “normal.” Like a stretched rubber band snapping back.
That’s just how humans are wired.
Because familiar = safe
New = Might die, better not
Self-sabotage might seem like a choice, but it’s usually just your brain doing it’s thing on autopilot.
The time I had a complete self-sabotage meltdown
Six months into my business, I’d made about $6,000 total. Some months, I made $400.
Then one month, I made almost $11,000.
I had never, in my life, made more than $4000 in one month in any job.
Was this what I wanted? YES.
Did I completely panic and fall apart? ALSO YES.
I remember thinking:
“My business is growing too fast”
“I’ll have to quit my corporate job and I’m not ready”
“I can’t repeat this”
And then I started sabotaging.
I got weird on consult calls. I stopped marketing. I turned good potential clients away.
It was at this moment that I understood success intolerance wasn’t just this thing that happened to people with tons of trauma. It could happen to anyone, including me. And it was AWFUL.
Because I was used to struggling financially. That was familiar (see also: safe)
Just because you want something doesn’t mean you feel safe to have it.
And your brain starts whispering, “Too much, too fast, too scary”
Psst…If you’re wondering how I got out of that sabotagy mess, I hired a coach and within 6 months was hitting $20k months without freaking out.
What causes self-sabotage? (especially in high achievers)
You can have the perfect plan, strategy, and even the motivation.
But if part of you doesn’t feel safe at the next level, you’ll find a way to pull back.
Here’s what tends to be going on underneath:
You’re afraid to fail.
If you never fully go for it, you never fully fail. Half-trying feels a lot safer than giving it everything and still falling short.
You don’t feel like you deserve it.
Part of you wants the promotion, the business, the big life. Another part keeps asking who you think you are.
You don’t trust yourself to make the right call.
So you research and reassess, waiting for a certainty that never shows up. One client told me, “I don’t trust that I’m going to feel the same way tomorrow that I feel today.” Hard to commit to anything when that’s running in the background.
Your identity hasn’t caught up with your success.
You’ve done the thing, but you still see yourself as the person who hasn’t. (I talk more about this in my imposter syndrome post.)
Being seen feels risky.
More success means more people watching. More chances to fail in public. So you hold back, sometimes without even knowing why. As one client put it: “I’m holding myself back... I don’t know why.”
The strategies that got you here stopped working.
Hustling and overpreparing built your success. Now they’re how you avoid the scary stuff. Panic productivity sounds like: “If I just do more, I’ll finally feel good enough.”
Psst…I talk more about subconscious blocks in this post right here.
How to stop self-sabotaging
Here’s the part that will make your therapist proud: you can rewire this.
Here’s where to start:
1. Notice the pattern (without the shame spiral).
Pay attention to when you start avoiding, overworking, or quitting prematurely. What were you thinking or feeling right before? Most people’s self-sabotage has a favorite trigger, like a big deadline or things going too well.
2. Ask what it’s protecting you from.
Swap “What’s wrong with me?” for “What is this trying to protect me from?” Failing? Being judged by some rando or your mother-in-law? Finding out you actually can do it, and now you have to keep doing it?
3. Calm your body before you push.
Are you in fight, flight, or freeze? If your nervous system thinks you’re in danger, willpower will lose every time. Go for a walk or sleep on it before you make the call. And don’t forget to breathe.
4. Make the next step stupidly small.
Your perfect plan might be part of the problem. Pick one thing you could do in 15 minutes. Send the email. Book the call.
5. Stay at your upper limit a little longer.
Your upper limit is the point where success starts to feel like “a little too much.” When you hit it, notice the urge to pull back, and stay put a little longer than feels comfortable. That’s how your brain learns it’s safe up there.
6. Rehearse the new normal.
Picture yourself having what you want, calmly and steadily. The more familiar it feels, the less your brain fights it. (Remember: familiar = safe.)
7. Get outside eyes on it.
Self-sabotage is hard to spot from the inside, especially when it looks responsible. A coach, a therapist, or a no-BS friend can call out the pattern before you’re three months deep in it. (It’s how I got out of my own $11K meltdown.)
And do all of this with ridiculous amounts of self-compassion.
Your new mantra:
“My self-sabotage is a message from a part of me that wants to feel safe.”
Is it self-sabotage or something else?
Sometimes what looks like self-sabotage is something else. And each one needs a different fix.
ADHD
If you put off everything, including the stuff you don’t even care about, ADHD might be part of the picture. Time blindness and trouble starting boring tasks can look a whole lot like getting in your own way. Here’s how to tell the difference.
Burnout
If you used to follow through and now you can’t make yourself do much of anything, you might be running on empty. When you’re burned out, even small decisions feel huge, and rest has to come before any mindset work. Here are the signs to watch for.
Depression
If the flat, meh feeling has spread into everything (even stuff you used to love) and it’s been going on for weeks, it might be depression. That’s a job for a therapist or your doctor. Not sure which one you need? Start here.
And if you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). It’s available 24/7.
Quick gut check: if it mostly shows up around the big, scary goals, it’s more likely self-sabotage.
Ready to get out of your own way?
Self-sabotage is really hard to spot from the inside. I’m a licensed therapist, and I still needed a coach to get out of my own way during that $11K meltdown.
That’s what I do with my clients. We figure out what’s keeping you stuck, and then we make a plan to move anyway.
Let’s figure this out.
Click the button below to learn more about how I work.
FAQs about self-sabotage
Do I need therapy for self-sabotage?
Not always. If your self-sabotage is tied to trauma, depression, or anxiety, therapy is a great place to start. If you’re functioning fine but keep getting in your own way with work or big goals, coaching can help you spot the pattern and change it. And plenty of people do both. Not sure which one fits? Here’s how to tell.
Can ADHD cause self-sabotage?
It can look exactly like it. Time blindness and trouble starting boring tasks can make you miss deadlines on stuff you care about. But self-sabotage is usually driven by fear, so it shows up most around the big, scary goals. If you put off everything (even stuff you don’t care about), ADHD is the more likely culprit.
Why do I self-sabotage when things are going well?
Success can feel unfamiliar, and your brain reads unfamiliar as unsafe. When things start going really well, especially faster than you expected, your nervous system may try to drag you back to what feels normal. This is sometimes called success intolerance, or hitting your upper limit.
Is self-sabotage a trauma response?
It can be. If you grew up in chaos or had to stay on guard to feel safe, your brain may have learned that good things don’t last. But you don’t need a trauma history to self-sabotage. Sometimes your brain is just clinging to what’s familiar.
How do I stop self-sabotaging?
Start by noticing when it happens and what you were feeling right before. Then ask what it’s protecting you from, calm your nervous system before you make big moves, and make your next step small enough that you’ll actually do it. An outside perspective from a coach or therapist can help you see patterns you can’t spot on your own.
Hi! I’m Erica
Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. Dog mom. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. GIF enthusiast.
I’m a licensed mental health therapist and life coach and career coach. I help you accomplish in 6 months that thing you’ve been thinking about doing for years.
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