How to stop self-sabotage: Why you keep getting in your own way (and what to do about it)

Mar 2

Written By Erica Hanlon

You set a goal. You even take action on that goal. You’re even chugging along, making all kind of progress.

And then KA-POW!!! You do something to eff it all up.

Cue the shame spiral:
“Ugh, why do I always do this?”
“Maybe I’m just lazy.”
“Maybe I don’t actually want it enough.”

Sound familiar? Let’s talk about this whole self-sabotage thing, mmkay?

What Self-Sabotage Actually Is (and Why It’s Not Your Fault)

I think it’s important to get on the same page about a topic. So, let’s take a quick pause and define this thing.

Self-sabotage is when you take any action (or inaction) that blocks you from your goals.
That could look like:

Doing something: overeating, overspending, picking fights, overworking.
Not doing something: procrastinating, avoiding, skipping workouts, ghosting your own progress plan.

But here’s the truth no one tells you: self-sabotage isn’t laziness or lack of willpower.

It’s your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe.

Why “Self-Sabotage” Is the Wrong Term (and Kind of Mean, Honestly)

Here’s the thing: I hate the term “self-sabotage.” It totally sucks.

The word “sabotage” implies you’re doing this on purpose. Like you woke up and thought,

“You know what sounds fun today? Ruining my goals!”

Nope.

What’s actually happening is that your subconscious mind has a comfort zone.
It has a set-point it wants to maintain - cause it likes to keep everything the same.

So when you start growing, your nervous system freaks out and tries to bring you back to “normal.”

It’s like a stretched rubber band that snaps back.

You’re not broken. You’re just wired for safety.

So when you start succeeding, your subconscious whispers:

“Too much, too fast, too scary…”
and boom…you pull back.

Why You Keep Getting Stuck

You can have the perfect plan, strategy, and motivation, but if your subconscious doesn’t feel safe at your next level, it will quietly sabotage you through:

✔️ Avoidance: “I’ll start next week.”
✔️ Overthinking: “Let me research this for three more months.”
✔️ Panic productivity: “If I just do more, I’ll finally feel good enough.”
✔️ Crash-and-burn cycles: hitting goals, then immediately self-destructing.

This isn’t a personality flaw. It’s biology.

Your nervous system is trying to protect you from perceived “danger”…even if that danger is just success, visibility, or happiness.

Psst…I talk more about subconscious blocks in this post right here.

Here’s how to stop self-sabotaging (finally)

Here’s the part that will make your therapist proud: you can rewire this.

Here’s where to start:

1. Notice the Pattern (Without Shame)

Awareness is step one. Pay attention to when you start avoiding, numbing, or overdoing. What were you thinking or feeling right before that?

2. Get Curious, Not Critical

Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” ask, “What is this behavior trying to protect me from?”

3. Listen to Your Nervous System

Are you in fight, flight, or freeze? Notice what your body is doing. The goal isn’t to push through. It’s to regulate first.

4. Find Your Upper Limit

Your upper limit is the point where success starts to feel “too much.” The next time you feel that discomfort, pause.

Breathe. Let your system know it’s safe to stay there.

5. Rehearse the New Normal

Visualize yourself having the success you want (calmly, steadily, safely). The more your brain experiences that “future you,” the less it will fight it.

And do all of the above with ridiculous amounts of self-compassion. You’re just learning to expand what’s possible.

Your New Mantra

“My self-sabotage is not a flaw. It’s a message from a part of me that needs safety and support.”

Learn to work with that part (not against it) and your growth becomes inevitable.

Want Help Getting Past the Block?

This is exactly what I do with my clients - uncover the subconscious limits that keep them stuck and help them finally move forward with confidence.

If you’re ready to stop spinning in self-sabotage and start seeing results that stick, book a free consult to talk about private coaching.

You don’t need more motivation. You need a new way of thinking that doesn’t turn against you.

Are you ready to do the impossible?

Hi! I’m Erica

Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. Dog mom. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. GIF enthusiast.

I’m a licensed mental health therapist and life coach and career coach. I help you accomplish in 6 months that thing you’ve been thinking about doing for years.