I don’t know what I want (but it’s not this)

I once had a business coach who was like, “Okay, write out your business goals for the next 3 years!”

And here’s what I wrote:

YEAR 1: Goals X, Y, Z
YEAR 2: The hell if I know 🙃
YEAR 3: 🙃 🙃 🙃 ???

I’m an “I know it when I see it” kinda gal.

So when someone asks, “WHADDYA WANT?”
I freeze.

Because honestly?
I don’t always know if I like something until after I’ve done it (which is...inconvenient).

And it’s kept me frozen and stuck soooo many times. For example:

• I stayed in a good corporate job but I was feeling stuck in my career and had no idea what else to do.

• I refused to decorate my ugly house because I was afraid I would make a decision and then hate it 

• I didn’t name my kids until the very last minute and the nurse was standing over my bed with the birth certificate info, forcing me to make a decision

Why you feel lost in life (even when it looks good on paper)

You’d think being a high-achieving, emotionally intelligent adult would make this part easy.

But nope.

You’ve spent your whole life being the one who figures things out. You’ve made strategic decisions, hit big goals, crushed deadlines, managed chaos.

And now someone asks you what you actually want and your brain goes completely blank.

Why?

Because you’ve spent so long doing what you were supposed to do.

Be impressive. Be responsible. Be helpful. Be a team player. Be nice.

You’ve gotten really good at meeting exceeding expectations.
But they weren’t necessarily your expectations.

So now, when there’s finally room to choose something for yourself, it’s like your internal compass is glitching. You’re not even sure what you like anymore.

You’re not lost because you’re a mess.
You’re lost because you’ve been following someone else’s map and now you can’t figure out what to do next.

Why you struggle to make big life decisions (even if you’re smart and capable)

If you’re a high-achiever, you’ve probably been praised your whole life for being smart, strategic, and having your sh*t together.

So it’s no wonder that when it comes to big decisions, you default to logic.

* Pros and cons lists.
* What makes the most sense on paper.
* What would look responsible and impressive on LinkedIn.

But here’s the thing: You have two brains. (Hang with me.)

Brain 1 - This is…your actual brain. And it’s logical and slow.
Its job is to keep you safe, avoid risk, and say, “Maybe let’s just stay where we’re at so we don’t die in a fiery blaze of regret.”

Brain 2 - This is your gut. It’s fast, quiet, and nonverbal.
It’s where your desire lives. Your clarity. Your calling.
But it’s not logical. It doesn’t care about your 5-year plan or the opinions of that one girl from high school who watches your stories but never likes anything.

And because you’ve been trained to trust Brain #1?

You’ve learned to ignore the gut.

Why you don’t trust your gut (and how to start listening again)

Desire is inconvenient.
It’s unpredictable.
It’s the opposite of strategic.
And for high-achievers who love a well-executed plan? That’s… kind of terrifying.

So you stopped asking:

• “What do I want?”

And started asking:

• “What’s the responsible choice?”

• “What will make me look successful?”

• “What won’t let anyone down?”

Over time, your gut got quieter.
Your intuition took a backseat.
Those little nudges? Dismissed.

But here’s the truth:
Desire lives in your body, not your brain.
And if you’ve spent years ignoring it? Of course you don’t know what you want.
You haven’t heard yourself in a long time.

You can’t think your way into clarity

Here’s a hard truth: Clarity isn’t hiding at the bottom of a perfectly organized Notion board.

But if you’re anything like most high-achievers, you keep trying to logic your way into the “right” answer. 

Like there’s one perfect, bulletproof choice out there that’ll guarantee you never mess up, disappoint anyone, or waste time.

You treat life like a test with a single correct answer, and you’re terrified of filling in the wrong bubble.

So you research. Overthink. Spiral. Repeat.

But the more information you gather, the more confused you feel.
Because clarity doesn’t come from thinking harder.
It comes from doing, experimenting, and paying attention to how things feel.

Trying to think your way into clarity is like trying to find the “right” outfit by scrolling Pinterest, stalking influencers, reading 47 style blogs, and filling your cart with maybe’s while standing naked in your closet.

At some point, you’ve got to try something on.

What happens when you don’t know what you want (it’s not just confusion)

Not knowing what you want sounds kind of innocent, right? Like a quiet little shrug.

But the truth? It messes with everything.

• You wake up already tired, because even your to-do list feels disconnected from…you.

• You second-guess every decision, from what to eat for lunch to whether you should quit your job and move to Portugal.

• You get weirdly irritable about things that shouldn’t bother you (like your coworker’s cheery Slack emojis).

• You scroll Zillow for cabins in the woods but also want to be a CEO but also maybe open a wine bar??

• You keep waiting for some magical lightning bolt of clarity to strike because you can’t figure out what to do next, and it’s exhausting.

This isn’t a personality flaw. It’s just what happens when you’re stuck in indecision and trying to live a life without a clear why.

When you don’t know what you want, everything starts to feel heavier.
Less exciting.
More like something you have to do instead of something you get to do.

The result? A weird combo of burnout, resentment, and a vague urge to move to a goat farm (and possibly a folder full of half-finished career quizzes you took at 1 a.m.).

How to get clear on your purpose, even if you feel stuck and uncertain

You don’t need a five-year plan or a color-coded clarity map.You just need a tiny spark. A breadcrumb. A direction that feels even slightly better than stuck.

This is how you get clear on your purpose (even if it’s messy at first).

It’s like learning to speak a new language. It’s the language of desire, intuition, and body-based knowing.

It might feel awkward at first. You won’t be fluent right away. And that’s normal. You’re just learning how to hear yourself again.

Here’s where to start:

1. Stop asking “What do I want?” and start asking “What feels good?”

If “What do I want?” feels paralyzing, that’s because it kind of is.

Especially when you’ve spent your whole life filtering decisions through logic, achievement, and what makes the most sense on paper.

So instead, try asking:

• What feels energizing (even just a little)?

• What drains me (even if I should like it)?

• What would I choose if no one was watching or judging?

2. Follow the breadcrumbs

Clarity doesn’t arrive all at once. It’s more like: “Oh, I liked that conversation,” or “That part of my job doesn’t totally suck” or “That meeting didn’t make me want to go all Jerry McGuire.”

Those little nudges? That’s your gut talking.

Notice what catches your attention. What makes you lose track of time. What feels like you.

That’s the trail. Start walking it.

3. Try sh*t and see how it feels

You cannot logic your way into the perfect next move. (Trust me, you’ve tried.)

The only way forward is to experiment. Get curious. Do the thing and then decide what you think about it.

That might look like:

• Signing up for a class that just seems fun

• Volunteering for a project that piques your interest

• Taking one low-stakes step in a new direction, just to see how it feels

Clarity doesn’t come from your brain. It comes from doing sh*t and noticing what you like and what doesn’t suck.

What if I pick the wrong thing?

Ah yes, the question that’s secretly driving all your indecision.

• What if I choose the wrong job?

• What if I waste time?

• What if I look stupid?

• What if I feel regret and have to crawl back to my old life with a sad little cardboard box of dreams?

Here’s the truth:
The fear of choosing wrong is keeping you from choosing anything.

And let’s be real. Staying stuck is also a choice. It just feels safer because it’s familiar. (Spoiler: It’s not.)

You don’t have to find your forever path.
You just have to make the next right-for-now move.

Clarity doesn’t come from avoiding mistakes. It comes from learning through them.

So yeah, maybe you’ll pick something and later realize it’s not quite it.
Cool. Now you’ve got new data.

You’ll adjust. You’ll refine. You’ll keep going.

Because you’re someone who always figures it out.

Life isn’t a one-shot exam.
It’s more like a choose-your-own-adventure. And the real failure is never turning the page.

Ready to figure out what you actually want?

You don’t need another personality quiz, career assessment, or 12-tab spreadsheet of potential life paths.

You need support that helps you actually hear yourself again. And a plan that doesn’t make you want to fake your own death and start over in a small fishing village.

That’s what I help people do.

I’ve helped tons of high-achievers untangle this exact stuckness. And clarity always starts with learning how to listen to yourself again.

If you’re smart, successful, and secretly feeling like “this can’t be it”… I’ve got you.

Together, we’ll:

• Untangle the overthinking and shoulds that are keeping you stuck

• Get clear on what actually lights you up (even if you have no clue what that is)

• Build a simple, doable plan to help you take real steps toward a life that fits

You don’t have to do this alone.
You just have to decide that maybe, just maybe, you’re ready for more than this.

Click here to learn more about coaching or book a call.

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Hi! I’m Erica

Licensed psychotherapist. Corporate dropout. Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.

I know exactly what it’s like to have a life that looks successful on the outside but feel chronically exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost on the inside.

I help underachieving high-achievers create lives and careers they love, without burning out.

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