The mental load of leadership nobody talks about

Summary
That low-level hum of "what am I forgetting" has a name. Cognitive load. And for high-achieving leaders, it's not just an inconvenience. It's quietly draining the strategic thinking, creativity, and presence that actually matter. This post breaks down why it happens, why it gets worse the higher you climb, and why both "just relax" and "get a better planner" only solve half the problem. Plus what actually helps.

Key Points

• Cognitive load is the invisible mental labor of tracking, anticipating, and holding everything together. It's not anxiety and it's not disorganization.

• The higher you climb, the worse it gets. Leadership stops being about doing tasks and starts being about holding the entire picture.

• Cognitive load quietly drains strategic thinking, creativity, patience, and presence, often so gradually you stop noticing.

• "Just relax" doesn't work because a nervous system that's been on high alert for years doesn't know how to downshift on command.

• Productivity systems like GTD work, but not just for organizational reasons. They work because they close open loops and give your nervous system permission to let go.

• The system alone doesn't rewire the part of your brain that learned to stay alert. That requires a different kind of work.

• Most high achievers need both: the systems and the inner work, in the right order, in a way that fits how they're actually wired.

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Can I tell you what my husband sees when he looks at me on the couch every night?

A woman who has dissolved into the couch, spiritually.

Know what's actually happening?

"Did I follow up with that client? I need to prep for Thursday. What was that thing I said I'd look into? Did I send that email or just draft it? I should write that down. I'll remember it. I won't remember it."

On the outside: doing absolutely nothing, very impressively.

On the inside: duck legs. Frantically kicking under water.

And if you're a leader or a high achiever of any kind, I have a feeling you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Why leaders can’t stop thinking about work

You might be chalking this mental mosh pit up to anxiety, poor time management, needing a better planner.

But it turns out, frantic duck legs has an official name. Cognitive load.

Basically it's the mental effort of holding everything in your head at once.

Not just your to-do list. The follow-ups. The commitments you made in passing that aren't written down anywhere. The thing Joe said last week that you're still quietly monitoring. The seventeen open tabs in your brain.

Here's what makes it sneaky: it doesn't feel like work. You're on the couch. You're at your kid's soccer game. You're technically at dinner.

But your brain is still at the office.

And the higher you climb, the worse it gets.

Because your job stops being about doing tasks and starts being about holding the entire picture.

Strategy, people, context, relationships, what's coming, what might fall apart - People are looking to you to figure it out.

Sheesh. No wonder you can't switch off.

What the mental load of leadership is actually costing you

You know when your laptop has some god-awful program running in the background and suddenly the cursor stops responding? 

You click. Nothing. Click again. Nothing. Pretty soon you're rage-clicking like a feral raccoon and seriously considering being like those guys in Office Space with a fax machine and baseball bat.

That's your brain right now.

And here's what it's actually costing you:

• Strategic thinking? Running at 20%.

• Creative ideas? Buffering.

• Actually listening to someone instead of half-listening while mentally drafting your grocery list and a rage-filled email you’ll never send? Gone.

• Patience with people? Basically nonexistent.

• Presence at home? What's that.

• Decisions? Autopilot.

Leading feels a lot like just trying to make it to Friday lately.

And the sneaky part is it happens so gradually you stop noticing. You just assume this is what leadership feels like now.

But it doesn’t have to be this way (pinky swear).

Why "just relax" doesn't work

Here's what nobody tells you about a brain that won't shut off.

At some point, being switched on went from being a choice to a default setting.

If you've spent years in high-stakes environments where missing something had real consequences, your nervous system learned to stay alert. All the time. Just in case. 

That low-level hum of "what am I forgetting" isn't anxiety exactly. It's your nervous system doing its job. Very enthusiastically. Waaaaay past office hours.

So when someone tells you to "just decompress" or "be more present" or "leave work at work," your brain hears that and goes: Sure, sounds great, anyway did you remember to follow up with that person from Tuesday?

You can't think your way out of a nervous system that's stuck in fight-or-flighting-go-mode.

Telling a chronically activated nervous system to relax is a little like telling your laptop to cool down while seventeen programs are still running. 

Technically possible. Mostly ineffective.

The nervous system needs to actually learn that it's safe to downshift. That nothing will fall apart. That the open loops are handled.

And that's where systems come in.

Why a better planner isn't the whole answer either

Okay so if "just relax" doesn't work, surely the answer is a better system, right?

Ehhhhh…Sort of.

Here's the thing about productivity systems. They work. No really - genuinely, actually work.
But not for the reason most people think.

There's a classic productivity framework called Getting Things Done, or GTD, that's been around since 2001 and has a massive cult following among high achievers. And the core insight behind it is kind of genius (wish I’d come up with it myself):

Your brain is terrible at storing things.
It's great at processing them.

Every unfinished task, uncommitted decision, or pending follow-up is what GTD calls an "open loop." 

And your brain will keep cycling back to every single open loop until it's either handled or captured somewhere it trusts.

Sound familiar?

The reason a random Tuesday follow-up pops into your head at 9pm isn't because you're anxious or disorganized. 

It's because your brain doesn't trust that it's handled.
So it keeps pinging you. You know, just in case.

A good system doesn't just organize your tasks. It closes the loops.
It gives your brain permission to let go because everything is captured somewhere reliable.

But here's where most people stop. 

They get the system.
They feel better for a week.
And then life gets busy and the system falls apart and the duck legs are back.

Because the system alone doesn't rewire the part of your brain that learned to stay alert.
That's a different kind of work entirely.

Which is why you actually need both.

How to finally turn off your brain after work

Here's where most advice falls apart.

The productivity people give you the system and skip the psychology.
The mindset people give you the inner work and skip the structure. 

And you're left either with a beautiful Notion dashboard that doesn't stop the 9pm brain spiral, or a lot of self-awareness about why you can't let go without any actual place to put things.

Neither works alone.
And if you've tried both and still feel like a duck, this is probably why.

The system gives your nervous system something to trust. 

When your brain knows that the open loops are captured somewhere reliable, it has permission to stand down. Not forever. Just enough to actually be on the couch when you're on the couch.

The inner work rewires the part that stays alert even when everything is handled. 

And once that part shifts, everything else gets lighter.

The systems actually stick.
The nervous system actually settles.
And the couch becomes a place you can actually inhabit.

Spiritually and everything.

How to manage the mental load of leadership

None of this is complicated and that's kind of the point (thank me later).

Get it out of your head. Immediately.

Your brain is not a storage device. Stop treating it like one.

When the random "oh yeah I need to" hits you in the grocery store or while you're driving, have a place to capture it immediately. 

You’re not organizing or prioritizing (yet). You’re just getting it out of your head and somewhere you can find it when you need it. 

Pro Tip: I use the notes app on my phone as a master running list. Not glamorous. Not a fancy system. But my phone is always on me and nothing gets lost.

Make relaxation a job.

High achievers are bad at rest because rest feels like nothing. Like falling behind. Like laziness.

So schedule it. Block it. Name it. Make it a thing you're actively doing instead of a thing you're failing to do.

Your nervous system needs recovery the same way your phone needs to be plugged in every night. It's not optional or a waste of time. It's productive and necessary.

Pro Tip: When your brain is being a butthead and saying you should be organizing your linen closet or working on that Power Point, remind it that actually - No. You’re supposed to be watching Love is Blind right now. Erica said so.

Remember that almost nothing is actually on fire.

I once worked in corporate where leadership was like, “We need you to write an article about Stress Management for Farmers RIGHT NOW!” 

I was like, “Umm… Are the farmers okay?”

And they were all OMG FARMER STRESS CRISIS. DO IT NOW. 

I didn’t do it until the next day. And the farmers were fine.

Most of what your brain is frantically tracking at 9pm can wait until tomorrow. The world will not come crashing down.

Remember - Just because something FEELS urgent, doesn’t mean it is.

Pro Tip: Ask yourself one question before spiraling - Does this actually need to happen tonight, or does it just need a plan? Usually it's the second one.

So what do you do with all of this?

If you made it this far, your brain has probably already added seventeen things to your mental to-do list.

Very on brand.

Knowing why this happens is a good start. Actually doing something about it is a different kind of work.

But everyone needs something a little different.

Some people need the systems. Some people need the nervous system work. Most people need both, in the right order, in a way that actually fits how they're wired.

That's what I do with clients. We go deep, figure out what's actually going on underneath the surface, and build something that works for your specific brain and your specific life.

Not some generic ChatGPT advice. 

If you're ready to stop surviving the week and start actually leading it, I'd love to hear from you.

Apply to work with me here.

Read This Next 

• If you’re wanting to have better mental performance at work - What athletes know about pressure that most leaders don’t

• If work is your whole personality - Why high achievers don’t want work-life balance and what they want instead

• If you’ve ever wondered “Is it me… or my brain?” - Adult ADHD and High Achievers: Why Work Feels Harder Than It Should

• If relaxing feels impossible - Are you addicted to stress?
  

Frequently Asked Questions about the mental load of leadership

Q: What is cognitive load and how does it affect leaders? A: Cognitive load is the mental effort of holding everything in your head at once. For leaders, it's not just tasks. It's follow-ups, half-finished conversations, and commitments made in passing. The higher you climb, the more you're managing context instead of tasks, and the heavier it gets.

Q: Why can't high achievers stop thinking about work? A: Because their nervous system learned to stay alert in high-stakes environments. That low-level hum of "what am I forgetting" isn't anxiety. It's a nervous system doing its job way past office hours.

Q: Why doesn't "just relax" work for high performers? A: You can't think your way out of a nervous system that's stuck in go-mode. Telling a chronically activated nervous system to relax without giving it a reason to trust that things are handled is like telling your laptop to cool down while seventeen programs are still running.

Q: What is Getting Things Done and does it actually work? A: GTD is a productivity framework built on one core insight: your brain is terrible at storing things but great at processing them. It works not just for organization but because capturing open loops gives your nervous system permission to let go.

Q: How do I stop thinking about work after hours? A: Two things help. A trusted system that captures everything so your brain stops tracking it, and nervous system work that rewires the part of you that stays alert even when everything is handled. Most people need both.

Q: What is the mental load of leadership? A: It's the invisible cognitive labor of tracking, anticipating, and holding everything together that doesn't show up on any to-do list. It's why you can be technically "off" and still completely exhausted.

Q: Can executive coaching help with burnout and mental load? A: Yes. A good executive coach helps you build the systems and do the inner work that actually reduces mental load, rather than just adding more strategies on top of an already overloaded brain.

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Hi! I’m Erica

Licensed psychotherapist. Corporate dropout. Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.

I know exactly what it’s like to have a life that looks successful on the outside but feel chronically exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost on the inside.

I help underachieving high-achievers create lives and careers they love, without burning out.

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